Perpetual Thursday: Branch Water

Perpetual Thursday Ramblings, Rantings, Nonsense, and Bunk

Branch Water
Friday, March 14, 2008

On Monday, Quezon, Mike (who was visiting), and I went to youth group together. Whilst there, a terrible thing happened - I told a story. Now, granted, everyone who knows me long enough hears at least one of my stories at least one time, but up until then, the wonderful folks at Youth Group had been spared. No longer - thanks to Mike saying just the right thing at just the wrong time, I began telling a story that I like to tell everyone I can - to pass it on to others, as it was passed to me. It went over pretty well, and some people wanted me to put the tale into writing so they could memorize it. Now, while technically this is against the rules of oral storytelling, I decided that this one time, I could make an exception. So, without further ado, allow me to present Branch Water - Unabridged. Read the full post for the story, ya' dig?

Branch Water
As Told by Patrick J. Simmons
Once upon a time, a young boy was given an school assignment to write an essay on a topic of his choice. He chose to write his essay on Branch Water. He worked very hard on his essay: researched every detail, wrote in his best handwriting, made no mistakes. So, when the time came to submit his essay to his teacher, he was confident that he would receive high marks on it. He handed his essay to his teacher, who got no further than the title when she snatched a pen, marked the essay with a bright red "F," thrust the essay back at the boy and sent him off to the principals office.

As the boy sat down in the office, the principal asked him, "so, why are you here today?"
"Honestly," responded the boy, "I'm not sure. I turned in an essay, and thought bit was pretty good, but the teacher gave me an F and sent me here."
"Well, that's terrible," said the principal, "what was your essay topic?"
"Branch water."
"Ack! Out! Out! You are hear by expelled! Get out of my office, and out of my school!"

So, the boy went home - expelled and confused. When he got home, his mother was in the kitchen.
"Well, you're home early. Is everything okay?"
"I got expelled, mom."
"What? Why?"
"I don't know. I just turned in my essay and my teacher failed me and sent me to the principal, and then he expelled me as soon as he heard what my topic was."
"Well, that's terrible," said his mother, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"Get out of my house," yelled his mother, "get out now! You are no longer my son! OUT!"

So the boy, disowned, expelled, and confused, went to the home of his Aunt Ruth. He knocked on the door, and she opened:
"Well if it isn't my favourite nephew! What are you doing here?"
"Well Aunt Ruth," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I came here."
"Well, that's terrible," said Aunt Ruth, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"GADS! Go! Go away! Now! Begone," yelled Aunt Ruth, slamming the door in his face.

So the boy, shunned, disowned, expelled, and confused, went out to a local park to sleep on a bench. As he began to drift asleep, a hobo came up to him:
"Hey kid, this is my bench. What's a little boy like you doing sleeping on a park bench anyway?"
"Well hobo," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, so I came here."
"Well, that's terrible," said the hobo, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"ARRRGGH," screamed the hobo, running away and getting hit by a car and killed as he ran across the street.

So the boy, partially responsible for the death of a hobo, shunned, disowned, expelled, and confused, went to sleep on the bench. In the morning, he awoke to find a police officer standing over him.
"Well hello there my lad," said the police officer, "what are you doing out here sleeping on this park bench?"
"Well officer," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep here."
"Well, that's terrible," said the police officer, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
The police officer gasped and snapped a pair of handcuffs on the boy. "You're under arrest."

The next day, the boy, with an arrest record, partially responsible for the death of a hobo, shunned, disowned, expelled, and confused, went to his court hearing.
"All rise for The Most Honourable High Lord Over-Seer The Long-Shanks," said the bailiff.
Everyone rose.
The Most Honourable High Lord Over-Seer The Long-Shanks entered and was seated.
Everyone sat.
"So my boy," said The Most Honourable High Lord Over-Seer The Long-Shanks, "what brings you to my courtroom?"
"Well your honor," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep on a park bench, and when I woke up, there was a police officer, but when I told him my topic, he arrested me, so here I am."
"Well, that's terrible," said The Most Honourable High Lord Over-Seer The Long-Shanks, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"Thirty years!"
The gavel smashed down, and the boy was taken away to server his thirty year prison sentence.

On his third day in prison, the boy, a convicted felon, with an arrest record, partially responsible for the death of a hobo, shunned, disowned, expelled, and confused, was talking with a fellow inmate.
"So," said the fellow inmate, whose name was Bubba, "what's a kid like you doing prison?"
"Well Bubba," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep on a park bench, and when I woke up, there was a police officer, but when I told him my topic, he arrested me, so I went to a hearing, but when I told the judge my topic, he gave me a thirty year prison sentence, so here I am."
"Well, that's terrible," said Bubba, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
Bubba screamed like a little girl, ran over to the nearest guard, grabbed a home-made machete the guard had confiscated, and shanked himself.

Thirty years later, the boy (well, actually, he's a man now, but to keep things simple, we'll keep calling him the boy) was released from prison. Since he was now old enough, had no where else to go, and had seen one to many "Cheers" re-runs, he went out to a bar. As he sat at the bar, the bartender looked at him:
"Wow," he said, "you look awful. What's your story?"
"Well," said the boy "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep on a park bench, and when I woke up, there was a police officer, but when I told him my topic, he arrested me, so I went to a hearing, but when I told the judge my topic, he gave me a thirty year prison sentence, then, in prison, I told an inmate named Bubba about it, and he shanked himself, then I got released, and here I am."
"Well, that's terrible," said the bartender, polishing a glass that didn't really need it, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
The bartender dropped the glass. "Oh," he stammered, "oh wow... Listen, here's what you need to do - go to the old lady who lives across the street, tell her I sent you. She'll help you out."

So the boy went across the street to the home of the old woman, and knocked on the door.
"Who are you," asked the old woman, opening the door.
"The bartender sent me."
"Oh, well then it most be important. What's your story?"
Well," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep on a park bench, and when I woke up, there was a police officer, but when I told him my topic, he arrested me, so I went to a hearing, but when I told the judge my topic, he gave me a thirty year prison sentence, then, in prison, I told an inmate named Bubba about it, and he shanked himself, then I got released and went to the bar, and when I told the bartender my story, he sent me here."
Well, that's terrible," said the old woman, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"Sweet honeyed yams," exclaimed the old woman. "Here, take this jar of cookies to the lumberjack who lives out in the woods, and he will help you."

So out into the woods the boy went, cookies in tow. Unfortunately, he didn't have directions, so it took him four days of walking to find the lumberjack's cabin, and he get rather hungry and ate most of the cookies.

In fact, he ate all of the cookies.

But he did arrive at the lumberjack's cabin, and was greeted by the jumberjack.
"Well now, who are you?"
"The old woman sent me. Errr... here," said the boy, handing the lumberjack the empty jar.
"Ate the cookies, huh?"
"Yeah. Sorry..."
That's okay. Everybody does. So," said the jumberjack, "what's your story?"
"Well," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep on a park bench, and when I woke up, there was a police officer, but when I told him my topic, he arrested me, so I went to a hearing, but when I told the judge my topic, he gave me a thirty year prison sentence, then, in prison, I told an inmate named Bubba about it, and he shanked himself, then I got released and went to the bar, and when I told the bartender my story, he sent me to the old woman, who sent me here."
"Well, that's terrible," said the lumberjack, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"By the power of Greyskull," exclaimed the lumberjack, "you need to leave, now!"
"But, where do I go?"
"Here, take this axe to the Old Indian Fort at the other end of the forest, and they will help you. Now, go!"

So the boy went, and, after a week and a half of wandering through the forest, reached the Fort, where he was greeted by Chief Falling Rocks.
"What brings you here, stranger," asked Chief Falling Rocks.
"The lumberjack sent me," said the boy, handing Chief Falling Rocks the axe.
"Ah, I see," said the Chief, accepting the axe, "so then, what's your story?"
"Well," said the boy, "I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep on a park bench, and when I woke up, there was a police officer, but when I told him my topic, he arrested me, so I went to a hearing, but when I told the judge my topic, he gave me a thirty year prison sentence, then, in prison, I told an inmate named Bubba about it, and he shanked himself, then I got released and went to the bar, and when I told the bartender my story, he sent me to the old woman, who sent me to the lumberjack, who sent me here."
"Well, that's terrible," said Chief Falling Rocks, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"Bullocks," exclaimed the chief, "go away and never come back!"
"But where do I go?"
"Take this special carved arrowhead back to the old woman, and she'll tell you - now begone!"

So back to the old woman the boy went. Upon arriving at her home, he immediately gave her the arrowhead.
"Well I see they've sent you back to me. Oh dear."
"Well, what do I do," asked the boy.
"Take this quarter," replied the woman, producing a coin, "to my husband in the basement."

Down the stairs the boy went, and found the old woman's husband.
"Who in blue blazes are you?"
"Your wife sent me down here," the boy said, handing him the quarter.
"Oh, wow, this must be important - my wife hasn't given me a penny in over fifty years. So then, what's your story?"
The boy sighed, then began: "Well, I turned in an essay I wrote for school, and when my teacher read it, she failed me and sent me to the principals office, and when I told him my essay topic, he expelled me, so I went home, but when I told my mother my topic, she kicked me out, so I went to my Aunt Ruth, but when I told her my topic, she slammed the door in my face, then I met a hobo, and when I told him my topic, he ran away and was hit by a car, so I went to sleep on a park bench, and when I woke up, there was a police officer, but when I told him my topic, he arrested me, so I went to a hearing, but when I told the judge my topic, he gave me a thirty year prison sentence, then, in prison, I told an inmate named Bubba about it, and he shanked himself, then I got released and went to the bar, and when I told the bartender my story, he sent me to your wife, who sent me to the lumberjack, who sent me to Chief Falling Rocks, who sent me back to your wife, who sent me down here."
"Well, that's terrible," said the husband, "what was your topic?"
"Branch water."
"Oy vey! Get out! Out now! Out of my basement and my house! Never come back!"
"But, but, but," stammered the boy.
"But," replied the husband, "but, go across the street to the bartender, and he will explain everything to you at last. Your journey will be over."

Overjoyed, the boy ran up the stairs, out of the house, and - was hit by a truck.

The moral of this story is: look both ways before crossing the street.

The End

Labels: Personal

Share: Digg It - del.icio.us - ma.gnolia - StumbleUpon - Seed Newsvine - Facebook - E-mail
Comments:
Post a Comment